I figured out one of the reason I’ve been avoiding blogging (yes, I’ve been avoiding blogging…and emailing…and some parts of life in general)….it’s not fun to write about having a hard time. It’s just not. It’s a little easier to write about having a hard time when you’re on the other side of it…but even that’s not altogether easy. But here goes. I’ve been having a hard time lately. I certainly can’t pinpoint a particular cause…and really it’s ridiculous to even use the term “lately” – nearly 3 of the last 6 weeks have been vacation for me! There’s just been something going on – off and on -- …some may call it an attack…some just coincidence….some may even call it summer (or the result of being “out of our routine”). I don’t know what I’d call it…(I don’t think I’d call it summer – I like summer….but I haven’t liked this). I've just been going in and out of frustration and an unexplainable heaviness…even some feelings of hopelessness (especially in regards to our adoption) – and I’m not a “hopeless feelings” kind of gal….I’ve been struggling to find contentment. Wanting to rest in Him and doing that to the best of my ability (knowing that it’s not up to me and my ability) but still missing something.
And then came last night. I feel like I could almost call this “pre-eminent me and post-eminent me”. I was a big mess before going to eminent last night (just ask the lady at the library who witnessed my tears…)… I was….ugh…I was so yuck. Tired. Weary. Grumbly. Sad. Sick. Discouraged. Drained. Empty. In great need…and, not that I’m not a big mess now…but things are different. After going to eminent, somehow me being a big mess is ok again. Being in God’s presence changes me. It truly makes all the difference. I can’t explain it….but I’ll attempt it anyway. I think the bottom line is that worship puts the focus where it should be – on God. Matthew 6:6 comes to mind -- “here’s what I want you to do….be there with God as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.” (that's from the msg with some parts left out!). Really, I don’t feel “that” physically different today …honestly, I’m still tired…I still feel a bit overwhelmed by things….i’m still weary… but the focus has shifted from me to Him….and I’m reminded once again that it’s all going to be ok! It’s not up to me. It’s not about me. More of You, God. None of me.
I was utterly and completely refreshed by His presence last night….by His love…by His mercy…by His freedom…by HIM. Not sure why it was so special (other than the fact that things focused on, dedicated to and saturated by God have the tendency to be special!) – and I’m not going to spend much time trying to figure that out! Just going to be thankful. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been spending any time with God….or haven’t been worshipping…or haven’t been hearing from Him or being refreshed by Him….my soul was just in great need and God used eminent to meet that need last night.
AND THEN, nick got us wings and fries from locos….and that was a different kind of refreshing altogether! God bless that man.
I am so very thankful to be loved by our God. The God who knows our needs…and rises to meet those needs – He rises to show us compassion (Isaiah 30:18) -- the God of all creation gets up to show me that He care for me. Unbelievable. He meets us with fresh love and mercy every single day. Oh how He loves us! May we live in that love….and never be the same.
