i may have had my worst moment on the ship last night. possibly. (i'm sorry that there aren't pictures...just use your imagination!)
this sail has been rough. lots of rocking. lots of motion on this ocean.
i'm not one to really use the phrase "i'm done." but that's what i was saying last night. i'm done. i'm done with this rocking. i'm done with stuff shifting around. i'm done trying to secure our cabin. i'm done cleaning up the messes (i really am done with that...i've decided just to stop cleaning stuff up until we've arrived)(though i doubt i'll stick with that decision...it goes against so much of what makes me me!!)
funny enough the main "catastrophes" of last night happened when i was trying to make sure things were secured. we have an extra cabinet in our bedroom that was starting to shift - and i couldn't figure out how to secure it to the wall...so i thought "i'll just lay it down...at least that will keep it from falling over on us in the middle of the night...or at the least it'll keep everything from falling out." no such luck. in the process of laying it down the cabinet kind of fell apart on me (well, not kind of...thoroughly. complete with little nails sticking up and the back coming off and shelves sliding out) (i've got a repair request in with our carpenter). And, because the ship didn't thoughtfully stop rocking just because our cabinet exploded, all of the contents rejoiced in their freedom and started sliding around the room. fun times.
so then i was trying to find safe places for the contents of the bookshelf (mainly nick's books and notebooks...so sorry, sweetheart) - the rolling cart (that has thus far been quite secure and tied up very well), decides to fall over....and i hit my leg on the bookshelf...and i just look at it all and sob..
Oh, and did i mention that all 3 kids are asleep in the bed in the room where all of this is going on (cause it helps me rest easier with all of us in the same room when the swells are so big even if it means less room in the bed for me)....so of course, now they are awake and 2 are crying because stuff is shifting around everywhere - and it really is a bit traumatic. the worst was emma saying "i just want daddy. i just want daddy." me, too, baby. me, too. the best was caroline saying "i don't want to go back to sleep yet mama...i don't want you to have to deal with this on your own." thank you, God, for such a considerate and compassionate comment.
and then i made a plan...i get the cart upright and i start getting the books situated...and i know that the cabinet must be moved out of the room - cause it's blocking the door and IF there's any sort of emergency, there's no way we can get out without a whole lot of effort...so i'm making progress and getting the cabinet out (which is no small feat...) and then it's stuck in the doorway...but i'm persevering and i need to move a cabinet in the living room just slightly so that the other cabinet can scoot by - so i unsecured it and slid it...and i'm being a beast and man-handling the other cabinet through the doorway...and, before i can resecure the cabinet, we hit another swell and the living room cabinet burst forths with all of its contents and topples over - and it's another rather cheap/old piece of furniture - so now it's back has come off and books and games are all over the place...
and i'm done. and the sobs are back. and i'm thinking my world is falling apart - literally - and i'm done.
And then...as i'm sobbing and my body is gasping for air, THIS SONG starts playing on the ipod -- "Sometimes" by David Crowder
Sometimes every one of us feels Like we'll never be healed Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches Like we'll never be saved Sometimes
When you've given up Let your healing come
Till you're rising up Let your healing come
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore We're lost in you, we're lost in you
Sometimes It's like we'll never atone For all the love we've known
Sometimes Like in a smile or a song When you feel love come
And that feeling's gone It flies
When we've given up Let your healing come
When there's nothing left Let your healing come
Till we're rising up Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow Where you go, we will follow
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore We're lost in your, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid Just set your sail
And risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Where you go we will follow I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow Oh, God send me
Where you go we will follow I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Sometimes every one of us aches Like we'll never be saved Sometimes
When you've given up Let your healing come
Till you're rising up Let your healing come
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore We're lost in you, we're lost in you
Sometimes It's like we'll never atone For all the love we've known
Sometimes Like in a smile or a song When you feel love come
And that feeling's gone It flies
When we've given up Let your healing come
When there's nothing left Let your healing come
Till we're rising up Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow Where you go, we will follow
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore We're lost in your, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid Just set your sail
And risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Where you go we will follow I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow Oh, God send me
Where you go we will follow I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow
...and God reminds me of the time when i first heard this song and i was sobbing and my body was gasping for air in the sanctuary at Christ Community Church - because I knew without a doubt that He was calling us to leave all that was familiar/all that was so comfortable and wonderful and amazing/all that was "home" and follow Him to live on a ship called the Africa Mercy.
and in that moment, with furniture broken and shin throbbing and things strewn all about, i worshipped. in the midst of the mess, He let me worship! and i admitted that i really can't do this - in so many ways i can't do this - and He reminded me that He's ok with that.
And bit by bit i got everything settled...and i got myself settled (or maybe the Truth is that He got me settled)...and i crawled into bed, shoving (semi-gently) precious arms and legs out of the way to make myself a sliver of space to sleep. And we slept.
So maybe last night was the worst moment...or maybe it was one of the best - one of those moments when you know your world is falling apart...but you know God is near...and He is enough. Enough for the mess. Enough for the rocking. Enough for the lack of sleep. Enough for the children who are scared. Enough for this wife who is missing her husband. Enough.
