A friend (a fabulously talented, creative, fun, thoughtful & kind friend….a friend who’s blog you can check out here: restarterhome.com) asked me if I am excited (I assumed she was talking about this whole “moving to Africa” thing….if she was asking a general “are you excited?” then I totally gave her the wrong answer….here’s my response (altered slightly to be more "blog audience appropriate" and less straight to her):
Am i excited? um....that's a hard question. i am excited (she says with slight hesitation)....i'm excited to be doing what God wants us to do...i'm excited to get to practice my faith and to trust Him in new ways. i'm excited to respond as He has been saying "follow me." i'm excited for my children and what they will get to experience...i'm excited for what this means for our family! i'm excited to not have to cook :). i'm excited to watch God work and move and provide for us.
But i'm not excited....i'm not excited about leaving. i'm not excited about making new friends (well, sort of...i'm not dreading making new friends - it's hard to explain...i just really like my friends here and can't imagine it being this sweet any place else...)(and so many of you are certainly a part of that sweetness!!!)(and I’m not looking to replace any friends…but the truth and reality is that I’m not going to be here and whether any of us like it or not, that changes things)(sigh.). i'm not excited about the "process" of getting there (our house to yaya/grandaddy's house to texas to field service to the ship)(in my utopian world it would be our house to the ship (with maybe a brief stay at yaya and grandaddy’s! :)). i'm not excited about our families missing us so much. I’m not excited about figuring out new routines (I really like our current routines!!!)(that's pretty selfish...but i guess all of my "not exciteds" are pretty selfish...as are my "exciteds" - hmm....)
but i AM excited to experience the Lord every step of the way - and that makes the things i'm not so excited about a tad more exciting....
When I get to the root of it all, i know who i am here -- i know how to be "me" - the me that God wants me to be. and i know that the same God that delights in me and communes with me "here" will most certainly be “there”....but i don't yet know "me" there. does that make any sense?? it's a little frightening to think about most EVERYTHING changing...and i just want to know that i'm going to be "ok" on the other side (and even as i type that i KNOW that i'm going to be ok on the other side - it's God who makes me "ok" here and God is going to make me "ok" there!!!!!)
Another precious friend (an amazing, peace-filled, kind, compassionate, lovely friend…a friend who does not have a blog or else I’d link it HERE) sent these words: “I hope you give yourself the grace to cry and grieve for what will be left behind. You have loved well (deeply) here in Columbus and it is painful to leave, even if it is right and good. Because you have loved deeply, the pain and grief may be deep, too. Praying God's nearness to you and your heart as you feel the things you feel....He is so tender to us and so loving and gracious in how he cares for us when our emotions are so raw!”
Her words brought tears (as I told her – they were the kind of tears that come when you know the Spirit of God is ministering to you through the words of one of His servants). The pain of leaving – it certainly rises up from time to time (and one of those times was this weekend)(Saturday was a tough day!)….and though there is certainly a foundation and undercurrent of His perfect peace, there’s also the reality that this is hard for me – and that’s ok!
So am I excited? Yes. And no. (more yes than no)(most of the time)
But, as we sang at Christ Community this morning, "my life is not my own. to You i belong. i give myself, i give myself to You. (and then i was kidding around with nick singing "my stuff is not my own...to You it belongs. i give my stuff, i give my stuff to You...).
He is my one desire...not pain free, comfortable living...not ease of transition...not convenience...not routines...HIM. i desire Him.
