Messy Rooms and Trusting Him

Sometimes it feels like life's problems and issues and hurts are tumbling out of the closet much like all of Brother & Sister Bear's toys did in one of my all time favorite books, "The Berenstain Bears and The Messy Room"

I feel an avalanche of questions and hurt and sadness and confusion that covers me over until I feel I can hardly breathe and the tears just keep coming.  

• God, they just want to be pregnant...it's been more than a year of trying. 
• My incredible friends are having to walk through so many unknowns with their sweet baby girl...
• I don't understand your timing.
• It feels like you are withholding good from people who love You very much.
• Cancer?  Really?  
• A miscarriage? Please, no.  
• Why so much hurt and violence and selfishness?
• I'm here and (insert family member) is there dealing with (insert a myriad of heart wrenching circumstances)
• I didn't think it would be this way...
• Why is it so hard?

And on and on and on...

And God reminds me of the picture He has given me.  The one of the organized closet at the end of the book.  

I like things to have their place, and I certainly like labels.  So there in the closet of my mind and heart I have boxes of various sizes labeled with various questions and puzzles...

All of the above and then some...

• Refugees
• Human trafficking
• Why are some people killing and abusing children when others are longing to have children in their home?
• Why can't we just be nice to one another?
• Poverty
• Lack of access to education
• Racial tension and awful treatment of our brothers and sisters.
• Patients that we cannot help
• People who plan evil

And on and on and on...

And God graciously invites me to take down a box and rifle through the contents with Him.  Sometimes He gives a new piece of the puzzle.  Sometimes a fresh insight.  Sometimes He just lets me get my hands messy with the play-doh of trying to figure out why things are (or are not) the way they are.

Some boxes are bigger than others.

Some get pulled out more often than others.

Some make me angry.  Others sad.  With some boxes I am not even sure how I feel.

And after a nice session of wrestling or rearranging or researching, He'll prompt me to put the top back on and put the box back - not to be forgotten or ignored...just to be entrusted safely back where it all belongs - with Him.

Because Colossians 1:17 is true.  He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.  

Ultimately I trust Him.  I trust that He is good.  I trust that He is faithful.  I trust that He is present.  I trust that He cares far more for the people I care for than I do.  I trust in His never failing, never ending, always available, perfectly enough LOVE.

And this song...this. song. Lauren Daigle's "I Will Trust In You" it's my anthem right now for all of the questions that don't have answers (yet) and all the problems I want to solve.

A few of my favorite lyrics:  

• When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You, I will trust...I will trust in You.
• So, in all things be my life and breath.  I want what You want Lord and nothing less.
• Your plans are always higher.  Your plans are always good.  

I'm thankful that He lets me ask the questions and wrestle...thankful that He never leaves me - not even for a second - and He's not threatened or put off in any way by my lack of understanding.  I'm thankful for His patience.

...Oh, for grace to trust Him more.

choosing joy.

• youversion bible app and reading plans
• "choose joy in defiance of sadness and lift up your trust as a song and an offering." - rend collective devo
• creative cards and beautiful gifts from lovely friends

• a much better start to 2017 than 2016
• conversations that happen at the cafe counter on sunday mornings 
• successful walk to and from ci gusta (with icecream in the middle)

• "little santa" new year's cherry coke from jenelle
• noelle's light up smile 
• kids at the hope center

• the hope center facilitators - they work hard and love well. 
• getting to see so many of the crew "in their element" during the hospital experience tour
• delicious dinner at hotel du loc

• eli's african outfit and how much he likes to wear it
• nick and eli watching chelsea football together
• sweet little girls who work together to get things done (they are carrying down all of their stuff from the pool)

• jalapeno poppers (definitely poppers, not peppers)(or poopers)
• freshly squeezed orange juice 
• this guy and the friendship we share

• christmas cards!  it's kind of fun to get them in january...
• edith's hard work in the laundry room to get it so clean
• playing on deck 7 with emma

He gives and gives and gives

• hearing johnson's testimony 
• good news about elizabeth phillips' surgery
• waffles and clue and AUNT AMY on a friday morning

• "you are my lovely star" mug from nick 
• tatyana's milk soaked cinnamon sugar bread
• fun christmas eve morning at the beach

• emma's charade game
• the hardwork of the galley and dining room teams
• Christmas brunch = best meal of the year! 

• tasty treats and sweet gifts in our shoes
• how peaceful and easy it was to have the barki kids with us
• delicious pizza on the 3rd floor of dody's

• unicorn pajamas (and the smiles they bring)
• seeing the mcmichaels gathered
• the way nick cares for our kids...and especially for the girls' hearts

• open cabins
• laughing at miranda (the tv show) 
• red beans & rice, pecan pie, sweet tea...and delightful friends that shared it

• going back to sleep/morning naps
• tasty pretzels
• kj's willingness to take me and amy to ouidah
  
• being at ouidah with amy - one who cares deeply for justice and human rights and LOVE
• "take time to be still in My presence so that I can strengthen you." - jesus calling
• the way the "joy to the world" creation was used in the dining room decorations

• the hand/ring in the above picture...i am so very thankful for his dedication to our marriage
• reading by dock light
• 8:33 bedtime 

He gives me presents all year round.

• parking lot full of cars on a thursday night
• hearing nick sing/lead worship
• carols by candlelight on the dock. 

• the beauty of santa lucia
• suzanne's willingness to teach the girls a dance
• the way kj captured emma's worship

• the variety of cultures and nationalities that lead the community gathering (south african, nigerian, australian, american, malagasy, dutch)
• thinking about the question "is there room?"
• emma & adalynn's friendship 

•  the wall family's faithful service on the AFM the past 4 1/2 years.
• amy's here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• finding eli's words on a bulletin board

• gluesticks.  they're so helpful.
• so many wonderful Christmas activities
• another successful trip to the fabric market

treats and delights.

• computer issues cleared up (i think)
• plenty of time with shea
• shea's friendship and all around awesomeness...and especially in the realm of teaching!

• LAUGHTER (especially when MWS songs are involved)
• unexpected time to get things done
• AFM Christmas cookie making

• unity cup soccer
• nick's phone calls with keith
• sugar cakes place!! (and the friends that introduced us)

• baby #5 in the making for the whites
• package from cathy
• boost bites.  wowzahs.  good stuff.

• unexpected thursday morning firedrill means no afternoon firedrill (and there's shade in the morning!!)
• relevant podcast entertainment and sprints in a thursday morning run
• emma!  celebrating her 7th birthday

• holly's willingness to take (and mail!) all of our christmas packages for us
• amy will be here in 4 days!!!
• powerful quotes full of Truth:

• remembering that missing people is a reminder of the mutual investments made
• overhead announcements successfully made
• spontaneous christmas caroling (and a beautiful problem solver)

thank to the ful(l)

• friendship with the barrs that will last long beyond their days on the ship
• coffee and doughnuts
• time with the wall family before they depart
• decking the decks...6th grade boys happily decorating.  a 1st grader and a 9th grader playing in a cardboard box. chicken fingers & fries as an extra incentive.  

• carly's time here
• pointless (not out of date) magazines to enjoy 
• listening to patricia share her stories of when God spoke to her
• when people joyfully serve behind the scenes and make so many special moments happen.

• cheesesticks for takeaway (how many times are cheesesticks going to make one of my lists?!)
• ipod that allows for emailing when the computer isn't cooperating
• how Molly lives her life - glorifying God every day - not perfectly (cause that's never what's expected) but beautifully, faithfully, consistently
• our amazing malagasy crew...their beautiful voices...their incredible hearts...their powerful stories...their determination

• listening to eli and a friend play and being reminded that 11 year olds can still be little boys
• listening as God was saying "go downstairs"...and then finding a friend who encouraged and prayed for me
• brave and courageous decisions (and the friend who made one this week)
• emma's last night of being 6.

such randomness when you really look at it...but boy am i thankful.

• christmas plays in the blom's bedroom
• the creativity of charlotte and emma
• dr. pepper christmas gift

• cheesesticks 2 nights in a row (both graciously paid for by others!)
• dining room and galley devos
• sweet goodbyes to sweet friends who came as 2 and left as 1.

• loaf of delicious bread bought for a good cause
• accents. love hearing them all across the ship. 
• ghost breath/fairy floss/candy floss/cotton candy from a lovely friend.

• chocolate seashells from my favorite dutchie (no offense to any other dutchie)
• christmas quotes and solomon's happiness to cut and laminate them for me
• sitting with a friend in the pain. (but oh how wish i knew what to do when hugs and prayers don't seem like enough)