prayer week - monday night

my thoughts/impressions/things i felt like God gave me insight on from last night:

ezekiel 47:6-9
--where it empties, the water there becomes fresh (such a literal picture of letting God flow through us and empty us and bring fresh life wherever we are)
--SWARMS of living creatures will live wherever the river flows -- not "just life", SWARMS of life (that sort of made me think about CCC and the activity within the walls of the building...it certainly swarms at times!! in a beautiful way....)
--the river has a path set out for it to flow - it's not haphazard or tornado like...it's well orchestrated and designed

jeremiah 2:10-13
--there are 2 main sins mentioned - forgetting God and trying to do things on our own
--v - 5(ish) from chapter 10 -- "it never occurred to them to say 'where's God....'" -- that verse made me thankful for the way ccc faithfully asks "where's God?" and we move to join Him - rather than asking Him to join us. may it always occur to us (and to me!) to ask "where's God?" and move to meet Him there
--v - 18 (ish) from chapter 10 - talks about taking a cool drink from the Nile or a long drink from the Euphrates (sort of posed as 'why would you go off and do that?') -- my thoughts were that yes, the cool, long drinks are nice - and better than nothing - but they lack so much when up against the fresh flowing waters of the fountain that is mentioned in v. 13

isaiah 30:15-17
--thought it was fabulous that the 2 things that bring salvation are the opposite of the 2 sins mentioned in jeremiah 2 -- "salvation requires you to turn back to me (ie - not forget God!) and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves (don't do it in your own strength!)

there were 2 other things that were in my head and heart last night -- one was the phrase "spiritual disciplines" and what i thought i heard in regards to that is that we are to purposefully practice spiritual disciplines as a body (memorize scripture together as a body....fast as a body...practice simplicity as a body...etc.) -- not for the sake of the practice but for the fact that they draw us closer to Him...they help us to be more like Him.

the other thing God kept bringing me back to is the words i felt were from Him at the last quarterly board meeting that we had back in june...and, just so you know, the "tone" of this is so kind...so loving and gentle...there's no condemnation or anger...nothing but LOVE from our Father.

"i love Christ Community Church. i love your heart for missions...but there's something missing in your hearts for those right around you and something missing in your daily heart for me. your lives are never supposed to be so full that you don't have time for me - or that you don't think of me. i know american culture makes it so that you don't "need" me or "have" to think of me...and that makes me sad....but you do need me...and i want you to need me! really, i just want YOU. my love for you is so very deep - ocean depths and then some!!!

(**this next part was said with super gentleness**) beloved, you're not living fully in my love ...and therefore you're not able to share my love with those i've put in your life. it's not about winning people to me...it's about being who I've made you to be - but there are so few who even know who that is. I'll draw people to me...you just live - just be with me. i'll handle it. i really will. listen to me as i tell you who are you...we'll go from there. you've got to know who i've made you to be. ignore the world...forget opinions - even your own! listen as i tell you who you are."

i should learn the days of the week. thankful thursday.

• the anticipation of prayer week at ccc
• happy hour at sonic
• the cuteness described in texts last night...definitely cute.
  
• ihop.org
  
• hand written letters
• encouragement.
• Truth
• Transparency
• worship
• getting caught making a not so pleasant face by luda.
  
• knowing that our God is full of GRACE...and redemption...and wholeness...and those gifts are available for ALL - the "worst" of sinners and the" best" of sinners - matters not, we're all in great need of great grace and redemption and wholeness (and so much more)...and those gifts are there for the receiving.
  
• "all i want is You, jesus...all i need is fully found in You."

thankful thursday, 5 days late or 2 days early (you choose!)

• Getting caught in the rain last night while running with mary…that lightning was quite close...
  
• The way God answers prayer…I asked him to provide us with good neighbors to move in after our friends the shippeys moved out of the house behind ours-- i was just thinking that I’d love some folks who aren’t scary and who I don’t feel like are spying on us…and who aren’t going to steal my children if they are out in the backyard playing -- and what does He do? He makes it possible for some of our very best friends to move in….they aren’t scary at all!!!! I’m so excited about the community we are going to share as neighbors…excited for the ideas God’s going to give us for blessing our neighborhood and loving on children together.
• “open house” at the Cash Academy for Gifted Youngsters
• Cinnamon rolls and coffee
• When the news came on the radio the other morning eli said “I don’t care for these adult jokes.”
• Eli, our chicken farmer (yesterday: “I got up at 5:50 and gathered the eggs.”
• SEEING BEAN THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that girl.
• Emma & Caroline and the box top races
• I finally ordered what I was trying to order from ebay (my past experience has been to order what I think I want…but when it arrives I realize that I ordered the wrong thing….).
• Long sleeve t-shirts
• Free movies from the library (free everything – unless you turn it in late – from the library!)
• Mrs. Lynn at the library…what a blessing she is. What a ministry she has.
• cheetos and cherry coke - little bit of alliteration AND the breakfast of champions all rolled into one.
  

honestly. enjoying the journey (or at least trying to!)

I feel like every paragraph of this is going to start with “honestly” – but this whole blog thing is an “honestly” – it’s who I am…it’s my thoughts…and my opinions…every single entry is a humble attempt at “honestly”… all that to say… I’ll try to refrain from saying “honestly” too many times in this blog entry. I guess I just feel the need to preface “hard” statements with “honestly” – as if they need prefacing…

No beating around the bush here…we didn’t get the royal children. We were “close contenders” so that’s fun news…sort of like getting an honorable mention….but not quite what we were going for. Honestly, part of me is a bit relieved…and part of me is quite disappointed. Another family was chosen…glad I don’t have rejection issues – I might start getting a complex. My security and my identity comes from my Father – my Abba ...not from DFCS picking us or a social worker thinking we’re fabulous or getting “chosen” in any way shape form or earthly fashion.

I have no doubt that God sees how all this adoption “stuff” is going to work out. He knows the ones that He has chosen for the cash family….He knows their names and their birthdays…He knows their background and their future….He knows the exact moment when they will become a part of our family….and I trust Him to hold on to that information until the time when we are to know.

But (I really want to put “honestly” right here) my hope is waning (or waxing? Whichever means diminishing. Yes, I just looked it up – it’s waning….fading, declining, weakening, diminishing, disappearing, vanishing). BUT my God is the God of HOPE….and He keeps refreshing my hope. Hope that He is in this. Hope that He does have children for us. Hope that His perfect timing is what we’re experiencing. A not just wishful thinking kind of hope – a confident trusting kind of hope.

(honestly) I’m a bit weary and tired in the process. BUT my God is the God who doesn’t grow tired or weary. …and He keeps giving me fresh strength for this process. He enables me (us!) to go on to the heights! He doesn’t just give strength…He IS my strength!! Reading Habakkuk 3:19 the other day really encouraged me (and gave me fresh hope!)

He is increasing my faith – and I am thankful! Being confident in what we hope for and sure about what we do not see – not always so easy…but fabulous for building faith! I am confident in what we hope for – to honor God by adopting children. I certainly don’t see it – but I am sure of it!

The royal children seemed like a fit – to my earthly mind and in my simple opinion, they seemed like a fit. But since they’re not, I can’t wait to see who God is going to bring to us – it’s going to be more of a fit than I could ever ask or imagine. Cause that’s how my God works. He gives the BEST gifts…

I’ve been laughing for a few days at thoughts of how many times over the years I’ve told girls (young ladies, women…) that “if this guy isn’t the one, God must have better.” I HAVE to believe that for us!! I do believe it!!! If these children weren’t the ones for us, God’s got better (that’s nothing against the royal 3…I’ve never laid eyes on them or met them or known anything other than what was on a piece of paper….but obviously, God’s got something better in mind ). He’s got a sweet plan for the cash family….I’m looking forward to what our family pictures are going to look like in a few months – or a few years – or however far down the road it is that God increases our family.

Please keep praying with us and for us. There’s much to be enjoyed on this journey…I don’t want to waste a single second of this season…a single second of His love and delight and presence….

lessons learned of late

• don’t do sand art projects inside.
• it can always be worse (crazy kids in the parking lot of the spectrum….made my kids fussing/whining/complaining look quite pleasant. God bless that mama.)
• turn in library books on time
• always do an in store taste test on cherry coke thirst busters….just in case the soda and syrup aren’t functioning to the best of their abilities....it's no fun to realize it doesn't taste right after you've already driven away
  
• don’t open a box of unfrozen popice by slitting the top with scissors

fun conversation from tuesday:

eli to caroline: "you're brilliant."
caroline to eli: "no, i'm super. you're brilliant."
eli to caroline: "no, you're brilliant. i'm super."
caroline: "no, i'm super. you're brilliant."
eli to me: "mama, what's brilliant?"
me to them: "brilliant is really spectacular...really amazing...really smart"
eli to me: "daddy is brilliant."
me to them: "yes, he is. so brilliant."

(to explain why they were trying to figure out who was brilliant and who was super - we were playing with the fun stamps that beth sent in the brilliant package -- one has the word "brilliant" one has "super"...they had each claimed one and were discussing which one had claimed brilliant and which had claimed super....)

quite possibly my most favorite song right now...my prayer...my desire

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

precious possibilities...from adoption update to soapbox.

We’re still waiting to hear about “the royal family”…basically there’s a girl and 2 boys who are in need of placement (I’m assuming it’s a foster to adopt situation…and I’m assuming this information is ok to share….if someone knows the system better than me and knows that it’s not ok to share, PLEASE let me know!! J) The girl’s name is Kate, she’s 4 ½ and then there’s Harry who is 2 ½ and William who is 1 (seems like they just NEED a mama named dianna….ha). One of them is “blonde haired and blue eyed” – there weren’t any other physical descriptions on the brief info sheet…so I don’t know if they are all Caucasian or a mixture of races or what. That matters not to us. We don’t know anything about their background or situation or much of anything. What I do know is that our homestudy is in the hands of their case worker in a county in north Georgia (along with a “few” other home studies – not sure if that’s 2 or 3 others…or a dozen others….) and we were told that they need to be placed by august 8 (a week from yesterday)….so we should hear something one way or another sometime soon! (and by “placed” I don’t know if they mean “assigned” and a process of bringing them into our home begins or if “placed” means actually in the home…)

I know our homestudy has been considered in other cases with other children – and ultimately not chosen…and the general reason given seems to be that we have other kids in our home – kids that “they” (the social workers?) don’t want to be negatively affected by the behavior of children coming out of the foster system….i guess I understand that….but at the same time, seems like we would have more of a part in making that decision for what our family can and cannot handle. It’s not “they already have kids…let’s not give them kids….” – it seems to be more that “they” don’t want to bring children into our home and risk the well being of the children already in the home. I do understand that…and am grateful in sense for their concern….but I still would like to be involved in that part of the decision. OR they are reasoning that the child/children need more attention than parents with 3 existing children can give (though I really wonder if they can know that from reading some papers….). Whatever the reason for not having children placed with us yet, God is in this and we trust Him.

The word “amazing” keeps being tossed around in regards to us and this adoption possibility in particular. I am certainly not amazing. The Truth is that I can’t do this. I can’t be a “good” mom for these 3 children….I can’t be a “good” mom for the 3 I’ve got – much less the 3 that might be coming (or the one that God may bring to us…or the two someday…or the ANY that God may bring into our family)….and I’m not saying this from a place of low self-esteem or pity...and I’m definitely not saying it so that I’ll be praised and complimented by others (reminds me of when people make comments like “I’m so fat” hoping that their friends will say “no you’re not.” Those games are too complicated for my simple mind to play!!). When I say "I can’t do this" it is said from a place of FREEDOM. I can’t do this…and I’m so glad!! The Truth is that HE CAN (reminds me of Louie Giglio’s book “I am not, but I know I Am”…). He can do it through me…that may sound ridiculous to some…but it’s the Truth. In my best of moments as a mom, it’s not me being a good mom…it’s Him working out His love and grace and peace and patience in me and through me. And in my worst of moments, He’s covering me with His love and grace and peace and patience – working those things in me more and more. I am convinced that there is nothing good in me other than Him (sometimes the "nothing good" is far too obvious than others). If my children turn out “ok” it’s not because Nick and I have done some tremendous job…it’s that God has drawn them with loving kindness and they have responded to His love….if we can be a part of that, wonderful!!! And even if they don’t turn out “ok” by someone’s standards, God is still drawing them to Him and calling them by name and waiting for the day they turn to Him and run into His arms. We've submitted them and our parenting to Him....we'll do the best we know how - knowing that our BEST is pretty weak and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

I read a quote one time about parents taking too much credit when their children turn out well and taking too much blame when they don’t turn out well…I think God wants to free me (and us?) from the thoughts that if I do a good job, my children will be ok…and if I’m a “bad” mom, they won’t. There’s no Truth in that.

My job is to keep my eyes and heart and mind fixed on Him….my goal is not to be super mom (good thing, too!). Here’s another conversation altogether : Supermoms do not exist. There are super moms….but I don’t think there’s any such thing as a “supermom” – maybe that’s just semantics or maybe that’s just what I tell myself in my not so great moments to make myself feel better. I’ll go ahead and gracefully step down off this soap box before it gets slippery and I fall off.

Please do keep praying for these 3 “precious possibilities”….we’ll let you know when we hear something.