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Let me interrupt myself -- I wrote most of this post in early December (which you're going to find ironic when you read the rest of this). And there's nothing in me that really wants to hit "publish" on this particular post. But then there's something in me that knows this is significant....and this whole blog has always been about obedience. So when He asks me to hit publish, hit publish I shall...
Interruption over, back to what I wrote in December....
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I've decided it's human nature to wait until you're "better" to write/share/tell about the tough time you were having...maybe we don't like to not be doing so well - or maybe the "not doing so well" takes so much out of us that we don't have much leftover for sharing. Or maybe it's just scary to not be doing well. Or maybe there's fear that if I admit to struggling, the struggle will just come exploding out like those little trick springy snake things that we used to stuff into cans as kids (and maybe, definitely, all of those things are true for me right now).
But I'm in the middle of it. And I want to write about it. But I don't know what to say.
It baffles me a bit because I love authenticity and I'm more than willing to admit that I struggle...
(sidenote: in a conversation with a friend we were talking about not having it all together - and i said that those are my favorite kind of people...those that don't have it all together - and some of my least favorite are those that pretend to have it all together when we really know no one has it all together.)
But it's not easy to say....
- I am struggling.
- I am not doing well.
- I don't have it all together.
- I am hurting.
- I am sad.
- I am dissatisfied and selfish and discontent.
- I am disappointed.
- I am dealing with feeling anxious more than ever before.
- I miss the ship more than I ever thought I would.
- I am frustrated.
Now comes the part when I should write about how I am satisfied in Jesus and He's all I need and He gives me joy and peace and purpose. And, while all these things are true - so very true - and I really do believe them...I don't want to slap a Holy band-aid on something that needs a better solution.
The kittens are a good distraction.
Christmas preparations, another good distraction.
But ultimately I don't know that I'm ok or how to be ok. And putting this out in a blog post feels like a cry for help...which it is not. If you want to pray for me, feel free. If you want to offer words of encouragement, those are always welcome. But please don't feel like you are "supposed" to say anything...or that you "should" say something (life goal: don't should on yourself and don't should on others). Just be with me in this. And for those of you reading this that are "with me" - thank you (and don't beat yourself up if you didn't realize that I'm not doing ok...it's ok!).
Really, so much is ok that we may not be sure is ok...
So now here it is March 2 and life feels better....and I'm close to hitting publish on this post...but I'm wondering what "ok" really even looks like...and realizing it may just be ok to not be ok....
One song has especially been significant:
especially these lyrics:
I will build my life upon Your love. It is a firm foundation. I will put my trust in You alone and I will not be shaken.So maybe i'm not ok...but that's ok. I am loved by a never-failing, always faithful, trustworthy God. And that's more than ok. Even when those words have an empty feel to them, they aren't empty. They are Truth...Cause it's not about my feelings....it's about His love and faithfulness.
I've yet to figure out how to fully share when I'm in the middle of difficult...maybe someday. For now, thoughts from in the middle of it with some follow-up thoughts must be sufficient.
