i'm not sure i can do this

line from ihop the other day "even as You brought me into Your family, let me bring another into mine."

today's one of the first days where i've really felt the "i'm not sure i can do this" in regards to adoption. we've switched "tracks" from the private domestic infant route to the state route -- which means the child God brings into our family is probably most definitely not going to be an infant. the pdi route (i just made that up) seemed safer...and easier...not scary (the most scary part to me was thinking about being up at night again...but that's do-able...just not my favorite!). adopting through the state means the little one is almost guaranteed to have experienced some sort of trauma/abuse/neglect/etc. my heart is already breaking to know that the child i'm going to fall in love with is not being loved well. not being an infant means we may have alot of work ahead of us...there's already tons of work in kids who haven't been abused or neglected or exposed to crazy stuff - and i don't feel as if i'm getting that "right" lots of days with eli and caroline. but i'll not borrow worry from tomorrow. i'll not be anxious for anything - but with prayer and thanksgiving i'll talk to God about it.

the fact is that GOD is bringing this child into our family. this is of Him and from Him and to Him and through Him. i will trust Him. i will trust His provision for us as parents - in wisdom and knowledge and practical skills. He will equip us and we'll be ok. We'll trust and we'll obey. obsequium fidei. i do not feel capable of this. so thankful that i know the One Who Is. louie giglio's book title comes to mind (at least i think it's the title) "i am not, but i know I AM."

philippians 4:6-7 (from the message): don't fret or worry. instead of worrying, pray. let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. it's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

i've had the song "hello" stuck in my head lately (i don't even know who originally did the song...david cook sang it on american idol...and it was on "glee" a few weeks ago)(another side note...i don't watch glee...i just happened to turn on the tv and a girl and guy were singing it...i think God wanted me to hear it and have it stuck in my head as a call to prayer). everytime i've heard it lately it's made me think about the newest addition to our family. i KNOW it's a love song...and not intended for a parent/child relationship...but i can't help but think of the little one we're going to adopt when i hear the words "i wonder where you are...and i wonder what you do...are you out there feeling lonely or is someone loving you?"

i don't have a clue how this is going to work. i think i'm getting to experience a new aspect of the word "faith" through this adoption process. that's exciting...and daunting. for now i have 2 months to pray and read and research...we'll take our "impact classes" 3 saturdays in july - there's nothing else to do in regards to adoption until then. i picked up the book "the post- adoption blues" from the library yesterday...the first page has a good quote "loving a child, any child, is an ongoing act of astounding beauty." that's a good start. we'll see how the rest of the book goes.

in other news: i ate yogurt yesterday and liked it.